I came across a cute site with a story generator which will put any characters you want into Lord of the Rings.
[url=http://www.rave.nildram.co.uk/simworld/news.html]The Personalised LoTR[/url]
[i]Here’s what happens when you put Star Wars characters into it… [/i]
Book 1 – The Fellowship of the Ring
Many years passed in Tatooine and Lukeo spent his time as all hobbits do: eating and drinking and sleeping. One late afternoon, Lukeo was raised from his bed by a rap at the door. It was an unusually harsh rap by Eminem so Lukeo hurried to see who it was making such a noise.
Lukeo opened the door to a grizzled figure in a tall felt hat. It was Obi Wan the wizard.
Obi Wan, is it really you? cried Lukeo in delight, bordering on disgust.
Do not put on the ring! warned Obi Wan. I was not going to, replied Lukeo.
Obi Wan appeared pale and wan. You are carrying the One Ring. It comes from the land of Death Moon and was created by the hideous evil bleep, the Dark Lord Darth Vader. It will kill you and suck out your soul.
AAIIEE! said Lukeo, I shall give it to you.
Yes, thanks a bunch. But rather you should take it to those who dwell in that magical place, Alpha Centauir. They will know what to do with it, lied Obi Wan. Turning to the window with lightning reflexes Obi Wan thrust his body through it and grasped the arm of a small hobbit.
Aha! cried Obi Wan as he tried to pull the small creature through the now broken window, How much have you heard?
Nothing at all Mister Obi Wan, except all those things you said.
Han, laughed Lukeo as Obi Wan mangled Han’s arm, What are you doing?
Begging your pardon Mr. Lukeo sir, I didn’t mean any harm by it, whimpered Han, I haven’t told anyone else and I would dearly love to see Alpha Centauir.
Obi Wan gave Han’s arm one last spank and said Then you at least shall accompany Lukeo, as shall Chewbacca and Biggs who are also outside.
You complete bleephead, Han! laughed Chewbacca and Biggs unmerrily.
Lukeo, Han, Biggs and Chewbacca began the journey to Alpha Centauir. Obi Wan had to go and speak to the boss wizard, Emperor and so would meet the hobbits later. He left them with a cautionary warning, Avoid using the road and do not, whatever you do, go anywhere near the barrow downs.
On the barrow downs, the hobbits were looking for shelter from the dark. Let’s go in this tomb said Biggs. They all agreed that this was a good idea and got attacked by barrow wights.
Just as the hobbits were about to have their arms removed by the undead fiends, a door of light opened out of nowhere and out popped a gaily-dressed man. He began to sing:
I am Tom Bombableepo
You naughty barrow wights
I’ll cordwangle-o your nadgers-o
On a cold and frosty night
Twangdillo gorillo brillo padillo
The hobbits all lost consciousness at hearing this glorious song that spoke of the eternal power of nature. They awoke next day in the sunshine. The barrow wights were nowhere to be seen and neither was Tom Bombableepo. Fortunately. Let’s get on the road where it’s safe said Biggs.
Obi Wan arrived at the tower of Emperor the White, the boss wizard. There is evil afoot! said Obi Wan, There are tidings of badness and stirrings from Death Moon that cause my arm to stand on end
So I see, said Emperor. But enough of such things. I have become evil. Where is the ring? Emperor parted his robes, For I have become Emperor OF MANY COLOURS!
What is this? cried Obi Wan, aghast at the naked form of Emperor beneath his robes.
Oh what a bleep, I forgot to put my many-coloured robes on said Emperor, quickly replacing his cloak. Now get to your room on top of my tower, and don’t come out until you decide to tell me where the ring is
I hope the hobbits are alright thought Obi Wan. Just as long as they’ve avoided the road
On the road, the hobbits were hiding from a dark rider. It was one of the dark Imperial Guards from Death Moon. Do not put on the ring warned Chewbacca. I was not going to said Lukeo and the black rider buggered off.
Soon the hobbits arrived at the spanking bleep, an Inn for travellers such as themselves. Lukeo signed his name as Mr Not-Lukeo to avoid being recognised.
Greetings Lukeo said a hooded man in the corner of the Inn. I am called bleeper by folk, but I am also known as Landoagorn, son of Landoathorn. You can call me Lando. I have come to protect you. No evil doers may avoid my sword-that-was-broken! and he pulled out a stump of a sword, If they get close enough.
Han said How do we know we can trust this bleeper, Mr Lukeo? I mean Not-Lukeo.
I think that servants of Darth Vader would seem fairer and feel like more of a bleep said Luke. Whereas I feel fairer but look like a bleep! laughed Lando. Yes said Lukeo. Oh. said Lando.
Lando led the way to Alpha Centauir. On the way the companions heard a sound of hooves, a tinkling of bells, and the refrain of Dancing Queen by Abba, sung by a gay and jolly voice. Ah! called Lando, It is C3PO the elf.
Lando coo-ee. said C3PO as he flounced off his horse and the two friends hugged for more time than was strictly necessary.
C3PO began to impart his news, Ooh, let me tell you, you wouldn’t belieeeeve it. Those naughty Imperial Guards are on your trail. What a pullava! Oh no, here they come. And he was right, for in the distance the forms of the nine Imperial Guards were bearing down on them.
Fly, Lukeo, fly said C3PO, Or better still, get on my horse and ride. Ooh what a bitch. And don’t put on the ring.
Lukeo leapt onto C3PO’s pink horse. My horse is fleet of fetlock. They will not catch you. cried C3PO as the Imperial Guards caught up to Lukeo and stabbed him.
Sorely wounded, Lukeo escaped the clutches of the Imperial Guards and spurred his horse on to the ford. He reached it and crossed, but had to stop, exhausted. The Imperial Guards watched from the other side of the river. Come back, come back, to Death Moon we will take you. called the Imperial Guards with grim voices. Your arm, your arm, we will spank it with a poker. Oh, and give us the ring.
You shall have neither the ring nor my arm screamed Lukeo as he fell off the horse. Nothing can stop us now except the very river rising up against us said the unlucky Imperial Guards as they crossed the river which then rose up against them and swept them away like Imperial Guards-shaped leaves in a river.
Lukeo woke up in Alpha Centauir’s intensive care to see a familiar face smiling down on him. Obi Wan, is it you? he murmured. Indeed it is, bleepish one. replied Obi Wan kindly. You have been healed by the elves of Alpha Centauir said Obi Wan and went on to describe what had befallen him since last they met. But how did you get away from the tower of Emperor? asked Luke. I escaped explained Obi Wan inadequately. Also I went to look for that pathetic creature Greedo. It was he who first held the ring and was corrupted into the weasely little bleeper that told the evil Darth Vader of its location and e’en now seeks it again.
It was a pity said Lukeo, that the little runt Greedo was not slain earlier. Obi Wan sucked on his pipe for a few moments and concluded Yes it was indeed a pity. Greedo is a worthless ####.
At the Council of Alpha Centauir the free peoples of Middle Earth gathered together to decide what should be done.
A tall man of the south called Boba Fett spoke up. You should give the ring to me and I will become ruler of the world. Did I say that out loud? and he sat down sheepishly.
A short stumpy dwarf called R2D2 said You must destroy this weapon of Darth Vader and he set about whacking it with his axe, which was a bit inconvenient for Lukeo as he was wearing it round his neck at the time. Stop this foolishness said Obi Wan. Darth Vader has heard of hobbits and Tatooine at last and wants the ring back. But it will corrupt any of us who wield it. We must destroy it in the fires of Mount bleep in Death Moon where it was created. There shall be nine of us on this dire mission, to match the nine Imperial Guards who ride. These nine shall be myself, Lukeo for the hobbit folk, Lando and Boba Fett for the men, R2D2 for the stout dwarves, C3PO for the girly elves and Han, Biggs and Chewbacca for cannon fodder.
And so the stout band began their perilous journey to Death Moon. They tried to cross the mountains but it was a bit snowy so they turned back. Lando said Darth Vader’s arm has grown long indeed if He can throw snow at us all the way from Death Moon. Obi Wan agreed, His arm has grown long. We cannot go this way, we must go another way. A way that I have walked before but the memory of it is evil.
What way did you walk? asked Biggs Was it worse than the way you walk now? Obi Wan set Biggs’s arm on fire and continued, We must go through Moria, the abandoned Kingdom of the Dwarves!
I will not go through Moria gnashed Boba Fett, What does the ringbearer say? Lukeo thought for a moment, We should go through Moria he said. Who gives a bleep what you think? Give me the ring and I shall destroy all before me and become King of the World! Kneel down before Boba Fett, HAHAHAHAAAAA! Gandalf began to have doubts as to the wisdom of bringing Boba Fett along.
At the doors of Moria was a sign. It read Speak bleep and enter. Hmm hmmed Obi Wan, But what to speak? Lando ponced up to the door, Aside gnarled one. I have reforged my sword-that-was-broken. It has been mended anew. No mere door shall stay my sorcerous blade, wielded by my awesome sinews. I shall smite it thus! And thus! And… oh no I’ve broken it again. And he began to cry. You are an utter bleep, Lando said Obi Wan. At that the doors opened.
All you had to do was speak the word bleep and it would open said R2D2. That figures said C3PO gaily, You Dwarves are a bunch of bleeps.
The fellowship entered the dark empty halls of Moria. Be very, very quiet commanded Obi Wan No Biggs, don’t juggle next to the well/burglar alarm! But it was too late as Biggs dropped his juggling balls and unicycle down the well. You bleep of a Biggs! said Obi Wan, kicking him in the arm.
We must be swift, intoned Obi Wan as the knob on the end of his staff began to glow, Follow me and my glowing knob. Did I say something funny Chewbacca? Right, I will lead you from danger into the light. he said, walking into a room full of orcs. Oops! said Obi Wan.
We must run from this place, cried Obi Wan, turning to see the rest of the fellowship disappearing into the distance. Obi Wan ran after them.
Hotly pursued, they reached a great stone bridge over a mighty chasm. The horde of orcs stopped. Lando, who was hiding behind C3PO’s prancing form, strode out. Ha ha! They are afraid. Afraid of Landoagorn and his sword-that-is-knackered! See how they cower before my manly chin.
Then a most monstrously hideous creature with a disgustingly awful visage, leapt over the thronging throng of orcs. It filled the cavern with its loathsome bulk, its unwholesome face contorted in a rictus of bestial rage. Lando wet himself.
AAIIEE! mentioned C3PO. A Jabba the Huttrog is coming. We are all going to DIEEEEEE!
This is a foe beyond all of you. said Obi Wan, Fly you bleeps, fly! Obi Wan turned to see that again, the fellowship had already hopped it. As the pig-ugly Jabba the Huttrog smashed Obi Wan through the bridge and into the abyss, Obi Wan thought bitterly Actually I could have done with a bit of help.
About a mile from Moria, the fellowship stopped running. Lando was hysterical. They’re going to get us and cut our arms off. I’m too beautiful to die.
C3PO minced forward. Tell you what. The Elven forest of Lorien is near here. We could stay there until things blow over. They’re a lovely bunch of boys.
That is not what we say in Gondor. growled Boba Fett. Then you are bleeps in Gondor. said Lando, I’ve spent many a gay night in the company of the Elves. No one sought to challenge him on that.
In Lorien, the fellowship were made very welcome and were given magical pastel-coloured cloaks with lovingly sewn-on sequins and black leather SS caps to stave off the cold in the coming quest. Lukeo was asked to come before Ms Tattoine, lovely Queen of the Elves. She was beauteous indeed. The very sight of her caused Lukeo’s arm to swell.
Greetings, my lttle Lukeo. said Ms Tattoine, I have a gift for you. And she gave Lukeo a certificate.
Thank you, my lady Ms Tattoine. said Lukeo when he got his breath back. Whenever I am cold and lonely, the thought of that certificate will sustain me.
The fellowship left the glitterball-infested forest of Lorien. Oh dear said Han, Are we going to that ‘orrible Death Moon place Mr Lukeo? Lukeo considered a moment and said I need to think about this by myself. I will go up on that hill to think alone on my own without anyone else.
I will go with you. said Boba Fett.
On the hill, Lukeo was in deep thought. Then Boba Fett appeared. Give the ring to me Lukeo and I will use it to be King of the Universe, get loads of money, girls and drugs, get ####-faced every night and destroy utterly, anyone who gets in my way he said. I’m sorry Boba Fett but I can’t help but think you might misuse it, replied Lukeo. That does it. yelled Boba Fett, unsheathing his sword, I’m going to slice your arm off. Lukeo became alarmed at this and put on the ring. He disappeared from sight.
What have I done? cried Boba Fett. Lukeo, you have misunderstood me. Come back! Then Lando appeared, What has happened here? he asked. Nothing, honest. said Boba Fett May I be shot full of arrows if I’m not telling the truth.
Thus ends Book One of the Lord of the Rings