The theme of director Jamie Blanks’ handsome yet hollow “”Valentine,”” the latest teen-horror clone to hit the video shelves, could easily be “”Love Hurts,”” to which you’d have to tack on the obligatory, “”Just not as much as watching this movie.””
Years ago, five junior-high beauties shunned the class geek, Jeremy Melton, at the annual Valentine dance. Thirteen years later, the ladies (including vamp Denise Richards and Marley Shelton) – still close friends, and still gorgeous – find themselves on the receiving end of some fatal Valentine wishes. Is Melton on a revenge kick, leaving a trail of broken hearts behind? Or have these snobby vixens driven another weak soul to murder? Packed to the gills with stunning starlets, “”Valentine”” is a horror film with no heart. Instead, it lazily works its way through the established checklist of “”scary”” elements. It’s methodical, yes, but it’s also completely devoid of energy. A horror movie based on President’s Day might have been more exciting. Let’s just say a prayer we never have to find out. Chalk up two points for the inventive killer, who sports a giddy, unsettling cupid mask. He even kills someone with a bow and arrow – at least he’s consistent. But why scrutinize any further? “”Valentine”” serves up the eye-candy, but it’ll dissolve from your memory faster then a piece of chocolate on your tongue.GRADE: D-THE EXTRASThe “”Valentine”” disc, released out of season by the fine folks at Warner Bros., does it’s best to dress up this dreadful flick. Blanks (what an appropriate director for such a vapid film) sits down for a director’s commentary, and there is a featurette with interviews by the delicious cast. So much beauty wasted. Aside from cast & crew profiles and the film’s trailer, the DVD also offers a “”Club Reel”” cut of the Orgy tune “”Opticon”” from the film’s soundtrack. The video gives away pretty much every key scene in the film, so I suggest you merely sit though this 4 minute piece and save yourself the heartache.GRADE: BOVERALL EXPERIENCE“”Valentine”” has ended the string of teen-horror bombs that began way back with “”Scream.”” And not a minute too soon. It’s clear all originality has been milked out of the genre, especially by spoof vehicles like “”Scary Movie”” and its sequel. Fans of the lovely cast may want to pick up the disc for vanity’s sake, but beyond that, this one’s not even a rental.FINAL GRADE: D-