Fun newspaper clipings……

I found this site with real clippings from Newspapers check them out!:

TURNING TOMBSTONES INTO ATM MACHINES
(New York, Wireless Flash) – A deceased cattle rancher in Bozeman, Montana, is bringing new meaning to the term “cashing out”â€â€?by installing an automatic teller machine in his tombstone. Cattle rancher Grover Chestnut died recently at the age of 79. However, before he cashed in, he installed an ATM at his tombstone and gave 10 heirs debit cards, and told them were allowed to withdraw $300 per week from the grave. It may sound like a grave waste of money but sources say Chestnut figured the tombstone ATM was the best way to make sure his grave had regular visitors. It must be working. Joel Jenkins, who helped create the “cashing-out” machines, says one of Chestnut’s granddaughters recently gave up a promising acting career in New York in order to cash in on Grandpa’s money-making tombstone. Although Chestnut’s grave is currently the only one with an ATM, Jenkins figures others will be dying to try it soon.

BOOB-LICKING SCAM BUSTED
(Columbia, Sky News) – When men were stopped in the streets of Columbia and asked if they wanted to lick a woman’s breast many thought their dreams had come true. The women would pose seductively outside glitzy bars and restaurants and encourage goggle-eyed men to stop their cars and take a closer look. But after helping themselves to what was on offer, the men would wake up hours later to find their wallets and cars missing. Unbeknown to the men the temptresses had smeared the breasts with a powerful drug that reduced their victims to a stupor. Bogota police said the narcotic caused the men to lose their willpower. “They dissolved the pills in water and rubbed it into their breasts,” a spokeswoman said. Three women, in their late teens and early 20s, have been arrested.

DEAD KOALAS PAINTED RED TO RAISE DRIVER AWARENESS
(Australia, AP) – It’s an unusual way to cut down on road kill in Australia. Officials in Brisbane are painting koala carcasses red and leaving them on the side of the roadâ€â€?to raise driver awareness about the slow-moving creatures. One official says road signs have failed to reduce the number of koalas killed in the regionâ€â€?it’s estimated at 150 a year. So the idea now is to try shock tactics. Environmental groups say the plan will upset people and could lead to even more accidents by motorists who slow down or swerve out of the way. Koalas are not officially listed as an endangered species, but experts do regard them as threatened. Conservation groups estimate the koala population in Australia at fewer than 100,000.

NO CONVICTION FOR PENIS CON
(AAP) – A bank manager who convinced female doctors to examine his penis in order to be aroused has walked from a Brisbane court without a criminal conviction. Brisbane loans manager Craig Hilton Bell, 43, pleaded guilty to the sexual con he carried out for almost a decade. Bell, who was described as a “sad sexual misfit,” was charged with 24 counts of sexual assault, one of attempted sexual assault, one count of making documents without authority, one count of uttering and one of fraud. The father of three admitted in the Brisbane District Court he sought out female doctors to examine his scrotum and penis, making up stories he had been hit in the groin. Bell would drop his trousers before female doctors asked him and his penis would be erect, the court heard. Embarrassed female doctors would then call in male doctors. “On both occasions, the accused’s erection disappeared,” Prosecutor Ron Swanwick told the court. Bell’s fantasy ended when he stole a Medicare card to continue his visits, making his intentions clearly criminal, Swanwick said. Bell was ordered to do 240 hours community service and repay $3,416 in false claims to Medicare.

Woman Sues Airline Over Adult Toy Incident

WOMAN SUES AIRLINE OVER ADULT TOY INCIDENT
(Florida) – A lawsuit filed in Clearwater seeks unspecified damages of more than $15,000 from Delta Airlines for asking a woman returning from a Las Vegas vacation to hold up a vibrator that she had in her travel bag. The suit accuses Delta of negligence, gender discrimination and the intentional infliction of emotional distress. The plaintiff, Renee Koutsouradis, said the agent took her to the bag on the tarmac and forced her to “open it and remove the adult toy and hold it up for visible view.” She claims three men employed by Delta “began laughing hysterically” and offered “obnoxious and sexually harrasing comments.” Michael Boyd, an airline planning and security consultant from Colorado, said embarrassing incidents have become more common with increased security by all airlines since Sept. 11. He said his guideline would be to leave anything embarrassing at home, just in case.

MAN LEAVES PHOTO AT ROBBERY SCENE
(Maryland, AP) – Police in Silver Spring, Maryland, can thank a forgetful robber for some good evidenceâ€â€?his picture. Officers say the bandit robbed a camera store after asking for a passport picture. When the clerk opened the register, the suspect drew a gun and demanded money. While he got away with some cash and the photo, police say he forgot about the negative. Detectives have made new prints and are distributing the photo to the media.

BEER BELLY SAVES MAN’S LIFE
(England) – A Birmingham, England, man who was attacked with a powersaw says his beer belly probably saved his life. Shaun Reaney, who weighs 308 pounds, is recovering in hospital after being slashed across the stomach. Reaney suffered an 18-inch wound when he was attacked by four men. His beer belly kept the blade of a circular saw from touching his internal organs. “It’s good I had that layer to protect me,” he told a local newspaper. His wife, Theresa, added, “The doctors told me if he had been lighter he would have died. When Shaun came around he reminded me that years of boozing had saved his life.”

GIANT MONUMENT GETS GIANT CONDOM
London (Reuters) – A 21-foot long condom has been placed on the Cerne Abbas Giant, a giant fertility symbol cut into a hillside in southern England. In a publicity stunt carried out by the Family Planning Association to raise sexual health awareness, the 197-foot tall figure famous for its erect phallus was adorned with the huge sheath overnight. The image, etched into the chalk rock of a Dorset hillside, is believed to date from the second millennium BC. At least one couple claim to have cured their infertility by making love in its one-foot-wide trenches. “It does get used rather often by people doing stunts. We just hope it doesn’t do any damage,” said a spokesman for the National Trust, which owns the chalk man. He added, however, “We’ve got a sense of humor, too.”

DOES SEX MAKE WOMEN SPRINTERS FASTER?
(Berlin, Reuters) – Women sprinters who have sex before competing generally perform better but men should avoid amorous exploits before taking to the track, the trainer of Germany’s men’s sprinting team said recently. “With women, it’s not true that sex before competitions has negative effects. On the contrary, we have scientific evidence that women who have sex shortly before competing run better. It boosts performance,” Uwe Hakus told Germany’s Fit for Fun magazine. With women the testosterone levels rise when they have sex. But, unfortunately, male testosterone levels fall after orgasm. And their muscles are less able to contract,” Hakus said. However, Hakus warned that sexual intercourse before running could hit any athlete’s concentration. “Everyone has to make their own decision on what their goals are. And this decision they make on their own,” Hakus said.

ATTACKING SQUIRREL APPREHENDED
(Illinois, AP) – Authorities believe they have put an end to a squirrel’s reign of terror. They think a squirrel they killed recently is the one responsible for at least four attacks on people. It was captured during a final attack. A man pulled it off his wife’s shoulder as it was biting her. He threw it into a trap and called police. Animal control officers killed the squirrel and are sending it to a state lab for testing. The squirrel had a bald spot on its tailâ€â€?just like the one described by the previous victims.

BOY’S PENIS STITCHED BACK AFTER DONKEY BITE
(Rabat, Reuters) – Surgeons have managed to stitch back a Moroccan boy’s penis after it was bitten off by a donkey, the official MAP news agency has reported. Professor Mouaad Mounir, chief urologist at Ibnou Toufail hospital in the southern city of Marrakesh, was quoted as saying the operation on the seven-year-old boy took 45 minutes and was successful. MAP did not say how the donkey managed to bite off the boy’s penis. A source at the hospital confirmed the agency’s report, but declined to give further details. Donkeys in Morocco are used for laborious work on farms and garbage collection and are often subject to harsh treatment.

Newspaper Headlines

Top 36 Funniest Newspaper Headlines

36. Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
35. Queen Mary having bottom scraped
34. NJ judge to rule on nude beach
33. Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
32. Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
31. Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
30. Dealers will hear car talk at noon
29. Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
28. Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
27. Cold wave linked to temperatures
26. Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
25. Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
24. Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
23. Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
22. William Kelly was fed secretary
21. Milk drinkers are turning to powder
20. Farmer bill dies in house
19. Iraqi head seeks arms
18. Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
17. Miners refuse to work after death
16. If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while
15. War dims hope for peace
14. Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
13. Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
12. Man is fatally slain
11. Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
10. Eye drops off shelf
9. Squad helps dog bite victim
8. Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
7. Never withhold herpes from loved one
6. Child’s stool great for use in garden
5. Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
4. Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
3. Prostitutes appeal to Pope
2. Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
1. Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better

You might be a child of the 80’s

I can’t let Fox have all the fun.

You might be a child of the 80’s if…

This timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:
STAR WARS opens, you are still in the single digit years, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK opens, you are now in early double digit years, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there.
RETURN OF THE JEDI hits the theaters…you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia’s breasts or Han Solo’s butt. You fantasize about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and “teen”-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

the phrase “going courting” means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis

you know, by heart, the words to any “Weird” Al Yankovic song

songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day (so true)

3 words: “Atari” “IntelliVision” and “Coleco”. Sound familiar?

you remember “Friday Night Videos” before the days of MTV

while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play “1999” by Prince over and over again

you remember when music that was labeled “alternative” really was

you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to “It’s the end of the world as we know it”

you can’t remember when the word “networking” didn’t have a computer connotation to it as well

you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
(I remember my family’s brown station wagon)

you knew all the words to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire”, but it really didn’t hold any meaning for you until about the third verse

you’ve ever conversationally used the phrase “Jane, you ignorant slut”

you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you’re older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time

you’ve recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases:
– “When I was younger”
– “When I was your age”
– “You know, back when…”
– “Because I SAID so, that’s why”
– “What the HELL is this noise on the radio?”
– “Just can’t (fill in the blank) like I used to”

you can’t remember a time when “going out for coffee” DIDN’T involve 49,000 selections to choose from

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you “sir” or “ma’am”
(those words make me cringe)

you’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you’re ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.

you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video
(I never did, but I knew plenty who did – it was all quite sad)

there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of “Skip” “Buffy” “Muffy” or “Dexter”

the phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter

you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the “26 – 50” age category on most questionnaires

your hair, at some point in time in the 80’s, became something which can only be described by the phrase “I was experimenting”

you’re doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree

you’re starting to get that “why aren’t you married yet” shpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends that are married
(I get it from my parents, brothers and friends)

you’ve recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so

you’re finding that you just don’t understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more

you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon

you ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation

you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding (on General Hospital)

you know who shot J.R.

this rings a bell: “and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.”

You remember when Madonna was just hitting the scene.

You remember the original version of Windows: Macintosh.

You thought “Weird Science” was a masterpiece.

You remember any or all of the following: Echo & the Bunnymen, Cutting Crew, Scritti Politti, or Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark.

Chevy Chase was really funny in those vacation movies.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
(boy were they wrong)

You remember when there was only “G, PG and R”, none of this PG-13 crap.

Yes, I am a child of the 80’s. Who else here is?

things only woman understand

!0 thinhgs that ONLY Woman understand

10- Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9- The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8- Crying can be fun.

7- FAT CLOTHES.

6- A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5- Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a “peak life experience”.

4- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3- A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2- Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

And the #1 thing that only women understand:

(big drum roll)

1- OTHER WOMEN!

Top 40 Foreign Signs

Top 40 Funny Foreign Signs

40. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
39. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
38. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
37. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
36. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
35. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
34. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
33. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
32. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
31. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
30. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
29. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
28. A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
27. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
26. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
25. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
24. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
23. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
22. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
21. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
20. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
19. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.
18. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such things, please do not read notis.
17. In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
16. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
15. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.
14. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
13. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
12. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
11. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
10. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
9. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
8. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
6. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
5. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.
2. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
1. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Unusual Newspaper Classifieds

Top 20 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

15. Great Dames for sale.

14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

9. Man, honest. Will take anything.

8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating

5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Funny Signs

You may have already seen these…

Top 24 Funniest Signs Seen in the USA

24. In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
23. In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
22. In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”
21. On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
20. On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
19. At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
18. On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
17. Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
16. In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
15. In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
14. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
13. On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
12. In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
11. In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
10. On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”
9. At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
8. In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
7. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. — Sisters of Mercy”
6. In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
5. A parking sign in front of a Boston meditation center: “Visualize Being Towed.”
4. On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”
3. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
2. In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
1. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

ReRun Show

Anybody see it Thursday? I’m ashamed to say I laughed a couple of times. Mr. Drummond’s inappropriate tickling of Arnold, Mrs. Garrett’s goofiness, the size of the props getting bigger when they were handed to Arnold. The rest of the “Strokes” gags were crap.

In the “Partridge” segment: The two small “slow” children, the crew member spraying rain on the window, Laurie’s “Partridge” shot, all funny. Keith’s obsession with the mirror didn’t work.

I read that they’re not allowed to touch Seinfeld, and a few other shows.

Entertainment News for The Rest of Us