Is nothing sacred? I’ve lost the exclusive female mystery of my facial, my wardrobe, and even my waxing to the new breed of metrosexual male. Now, “”Around the Bend”” has divested me of one more female exclusive privilege: the chick flick.
The chick flick. You can tell all of the stories in three sentences or less: lost love, family bonding, crazy parents, tragic deaths, marriages. Everyone looks great, even when they’re crying. You’ll cry as the film parallels some great moment in your own life. You can gossip about who had the best shoes, while feeling great after a good cry.””Around the Bend”” brings us the boy chick flick. This new genre is a Frankenstein cross of emotion, stupid humor, pop culture, and male bonding. We’ve got emotional release, the crucial element of chick flicks everywhere, but it’s been tainted. There’s a paean to fast food. There’s also a road trip, cross-generational air guitar, and a strange, sexy Danish nurse.””Around the Bend”” is in the mold of weird moms bond with their petulant children films like as “”Anywhere But Here””, “”Hope Floats””, and “”Where the Heart Is””. Perhaps the biggest difference in the chick flick for men is the extremely poor grooming. Instead of quirky Susan Sarandon or pert Sandra Bullock, we get Christopher Walken with a day old growth of beard and a very bad haircut that looks like he’s been attacked by a Flowbee on a tear. Granted, Walken is playing Turner Lair, a dying ex-heroin addict, but standards need to upheld. Julia Roberts’ hair never was out of place when died of kidney failure in “”Steel Magnolias””. Is a little gel too much to ask for?Turner has come home to the rest of the male Lair clan because his father, Henry (Michael Caine, with stained teeth, and more second day stubble) is dying. Turner’s son Jason (Josh Lucas), and son Zach (an annoying adorable Jonah Bobo) also live with the dying Henry, along with the sexpot Danish nurse Katrina (Glenne Headley). Henry is overjoyed to see the family all together, and decides to take them for a proper dinner — at Kentucky Fried Chicken.This is the first reunion that the family has had in some years, and it’s not going well. Turner has had a little problem with addiction, which lead to stealing, and some jail time, and a not very well defined incident of going out for cigarettes and not coming back. Jason is extremely bitter; there are rifts. Little Zach asks with diabetes inducing cuteness: “”How come Grandpa Turner isn’t dead anymore?”” Before Turner can get the hell out of Dodge a second time, Henry dies, leaving his will on a series of post-it notes and paper bags. His last wish is for his family to go on a road trip, stopping at various KFCs (to celebrate their last gathering as a family), and scattering his ashes at important memory-laden stops along the way. Jason gets bitterer – hanging out with his absentee dad and bonding is disrupting his life. Zach gets cuter and asks more questions.Quicker than a finger lickin’ minute, they all start to gel into a tribe. We realize that they’ve all become a family when we see our three gentlemen peeing in front of a gorgeous desert vista, zipping up and walking away one after the others. Really, that’s the essence of the male chick flick: instead of going to the ladies room together, men just go outside together, forming a bond that lasts a lifetime. Could we survive this heart-warming moment without a secret from the past threatening the newly formed family ties? Of course not. There’s emotional baggage packed in the van for Turner and Jason. Can they reveal the secrets that keep them from being a father and son? I think you know the answer. The secret is unveiled as a giant hunk of scenery is chewed up and spit out by both Walken and Lucas (I’m guessing its cheese flavored scenery). In short, this film is a horrible mess. Venus and Mars can’t align their orbits, and Deborah Tannen tells us that we just don’t understand. Chick flicks should not try to be unemotional, only to well up in tears at the very end. Why do we need that Danish nurse, smack out of Benny Hill? Should an entire family of men have a PG rated sexual fantasy together? This really doesn’t happen in “”Thelma and Louise.”” The creators of “”Around the Bend”” should have either made a wacky road movie or a family drama, but stopped trying to do the magic of cramming it all into one place.Grade: C-
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