The Three Musketeers Disappoints Michelle!

I like Paul W.S. Anderson movies, I think he has a pretty unique vision as a director and he knows how to direct a good action sequence on a minimal budget. So when I heard he was going to remake one of my favorite franchises – The Three Musketeers, I was intrigued. This was one of my must see movies of 2011. What happened Paul? How do you mess up the Three Musketeers? As an action movie there’s a whole lot of buckling, very little swash and a whole lot of swish.

There are two main issues with this movie – the casting is TERRIBLE, not one character in this movie was properly cast. The Three Musketeers does not require actors with “gravitas” but it does require actors who look like they belong in the time period. Bad casting has always been a problem with the Three Musketeers, other than the 70s version I can’t think of a recent installment that had a proper cast. At least the actors in the last few Musketeers movies took their parts seriously.

Orlando Bloom’s Duke of Buckingham was a prancing, over the top, “gay”, laughable joke. Not once do you buy him as a master manipulator or ladies man. I’m not sure what he was thinking or why Anderson let him portray the character the way he did, the same can be said of Freddie Fox’s King Louis. He is supposed to be childish, not a moronic “gay” stereotype.  The 3D also did not help matters, it was distracting and made everyone look weirdly out of proportion.

I love Milla Jovovich in the Resident Evil series, she can do girl power like no one’s business, but here her talents are wasted. She is supposed to use her sex appeal to woo and murder her way through the political intrigues of the times, but not one of the political leaders seem to have any interest in women, that alone her. There’s absolutely no chemistry between her and anyone in the cast.

There was never a sense of danger or intrigue. Maybe it’s because screenwriters Alex Litvak and Andrew Davies didn’t take any chances with the story so it was one that every Musketeer movie had and purely paint by the numbers – young D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) trying to become a Musketeer, his first day in Paris he finds himself in a duel with his heroes, makes an enemy of the Cardinal’s right hand man Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen), etc.

The movie suffers from the malady that all remakes have – if you change it too much it becomes unrecognizable and you upset people like me who want the same thing only modernized, if you keep it the same it becomes unoriginal and a pointless exercise. I found myself wishing Anderson would take a chance and do something completely new or different with the story, setting, something beyond simply adding bad 3D.

The only chance Anderson took was in the end when he used his famous Resident Evil teaser trick at the end of this movie. This 1-minute gotcha moment almost ruins the entire thing and had me leaving the theater with a sour taste in my mouth.

While this is a badly crafted movie, I still enjoyed it because at the end of the day I’m a sucker for The Three Musketeers.

Final Grade C

EM Review by
Michelle Alexandria