TELEVISION: Guiding Light – Doris for the Win!

“I am here to solemnize the wedding of Frank Cooper and Natalia Rivera.” Wow, solemnize…that’s what every girl dreams of when she thinks about how her wedding day will be described. What a sexy word!! Mayor Doris Wolfe, played brilliantly by the fabulous Orlagh Cassidy, ends up offering to officiate the wedding and does so with style. Hey Orlagh, call me, we’ll do lunch…I’ll wear a hat! Doris is my star for the majority of this episode. I would imagine she feels that she can throw the odds in her new friend Olivia’s favor by oh, I don’t know, speaking of the virtues of marriage and how it is not to be taken lightly or rushed into lightly. Doris gives the “is there any reason you shouldn’t be married” schpeal to Frank and Natalia when suddenly Olivia bursts out with a “NO…body objects right?” causing a laugh throughout the church and further tormenting me. Crystal Chappell may be a Goddess but she’s pushing me right up to the edge of insanity too. I’m jittery and starting to talk to myself, it isn’t pretty.

Doris continues her rant about the sanctity of marriage and how love is never doing what’s expected (watch out Frank…anvil dropping), it endures all, it shouldn’t be entered into thoughtlessly or out of a sense of convenience (oops, another anvil). She’s peppering her every word with enough not so subtle messages trying to shine a guiding light (sorry, I couldn’t resist) over Natalia to lead her out of this deep fog she seems to be lost in. Doris is my hero today. She even fakes a phone call that forces her to stop the wedding! I’m impressed by what an incredible friend she is trying to be to Olivia by attempting to help her do what she refuses to herself…stop Natalia from making the biggest mistake of her life by marring a man she doesn’t love.

While waiting for Doris to return, Natalia lights a candle looking for answers when Frank approaches and he asks if she’s making a wish. Just a heads up Frank, Catholics don’t make wishes in church, we pray. Wishes are made on a shooting star, not lighting a candle in a house of worship! Was that too mean? That being said, Natalia explains she’s thinking of a passage from the Book of Ruth concerning the sanctity of marriage and how it’s one of her favorites. Reading from the Book of Ruth is a very iconic scripture to reference. It is a traditional reading often-used in Catholic weddings.

“And Ruth said, Entreat me not to leave thee, [or] to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people [shall be] my people, and thy God my God:” Ruth 1:17 “Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me, and more also, [if ought] but death part thee and me.”

But for many, it’s a direct reference or one might say homage to the very same quote used in the beloved movie “Fried Green Tomatoes” where Ruth, trapped in an abusive, loveless marriage, sends Idgie a clipping of the very same scripture as code for come get me the hell outta here! It should have been a big anvil for Frank but once again he doesn’t get it or he doesn’t want to see it even though he questions Natalia’s reason for thinking about that particular prayer. He’s Frank he really can’t help it! Maybe someone should send him a copy of the movie?

Even though Doris pleads with Olivia to fight for her woman, to go out there and stop Natalia from making the biggest mistake of her life, Olivia tearfully convinces her to return to the front of the church and finish the ceremony. Doris begrudgingly agrees. Marina sings a lovely song but for me it was there just to waste a little time and set up a wide shot of Daisy and James flirty text exchange in the middle of a doomed wedding. I actually liked the playfulness of their flirting. It broke up a tense scene and was some much needed comic relief during a week of anvils dropping, torturous confessions, heart’s being thrown into wood chippers…concussions. Thank God it’s the weekend people cuz I need more than one drink, hell the first few rounds are on me!

Can I just say that I adore Emma (Jackie Tsirkin)! Having her read Corinthians was poignant and beautiful for me. It’s actually a favorite of mine. (Yes, I’m the sap that cries at weddings.) Natalia tells Emma she loves her with the look of a dotting mother proud of daughter’s big moment and looks to Olivia who is equally proud of her beautiful daughter. Emma replies with “I love you!” right back to Natalia, equally proud of her own accomplishment. She’s cute as a button!

Now we get to the vows. Ok, I realize people will send hate mail for saying this but I’m going to anyway. Hearing Frank’s vows drove me a little crazy. He was genuine and sincere but if I hear him call Natalia baby one more time I may punch him…in the face…hard. I take a boxing techniques class, I may be small but I know how to throw a punch! Ok, I wouldn’t actually punch him. I’m a pacifist and I actually really like Frank. Back in his leather jacket wearing days I really dug him. Today, however, I’m just frustrated and anxious and still have a crazy big knot on my head and major headache from blacking out Wednesday. It really hurt people, it really did!

Frank cracks a joke about kissing Natalia now but Doris shuts him down (Love her!). Now it’s Natalia’s turn. She thanks Frank then Olivia hands Natalia Franks ring telling her it will give her the strength that her ring gives to him. Their hands touch and I died a little on the inside. Natalia begins to recite what getting married means to her, that God must really love her to bless her with all of this; that God is love (hello sister Anne) and that you can feel what God feels because it’s a direct gift from God which makes it so special. Natalia states that she feels love and that she wants to devote her life to Frank and give her heart to him by standing there in the church in front of all of their friends and family and God…wait, God? She can’t do it. She can’t stand there in front of God and lie to him by pledging her love and devotion to someone she doesn’t want to marry when the one person she truly loves is standing on the other side of her suffering silently. Natalia didn’t actually say all of that but it was implied because she stops dead in her tracks and makes a B line for the door, shocking the hell out of everyone. Can I just say HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HA LLE LU JAH!!!!

Olivia runs after Natalia leaving a gob smacked Frank and church full or befuddled friends and family. But really, most of them shouldn’t be all that surprised. Olivia did already tell most of them she had feelings for Natalia weeks ago. We are left with the final moments of the show where once again Guiding Light leads me into a love trap. Olivia runs after Natalia, she’s outside the church and it’s been snowing. She searches the church grounds, which are now covered in several feet of snow. Olivia spots Natalia standing in the gazebo…of love and we’re left with the two of them standing there staring at each not really knowing what to say. I would have been fine if I had just left well enough alone but I realized the previews for Friday were posted and of course had to immediately look. The girls pick back up where they left off Thursday, standing in the gazebo; only this time Olivia is screaming at Natalia trying to convince her that she actually can marry Frank but Natalia blurts out that she can’t because surprise, surprise…she doesn’t love him, she loves Olivia!

Thud….clear…[paddles shock me]…clear [paddles shock me again]…flat line…Guiding Light you’ve succeeded, I am now officially dead.

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Final Grade: A+