MOVIE REVIEW: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Yo! Joe No Go!!

Some movies you see because the trailers and the buzz are so good. With G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I went because I wanted to see if the movie could possibly maintain the same laughable level as the trailers – and the buzz certainly suggested it would. It did.

The Rise of Cobra is the story of how Duke [Channing Tatum] and Ripcord [Marlon Wayans] become part of the G.I. Joe team. It’s also the story of how Duke’s ex-fiancée became the infamous Baroness [Sienna Miller] and hooked up with wannabe world conqueror McMullen [Christopher Eccleston]. It’s also the story of how Duke failed to save the life of the Baroness’ brother [Joseph Gordon-Levitt] – and the story of how McMullen plans to use nanomites to destroy the three most important cities in the world. It’s also the story of how Snake Eyes [Ray Park] and Storm Shadow and Shadow Storm became enemies. It’s also… Well, you get the idea.

When a movie attempts to tell more than half-a-dozen stories around a plan to conquer the world that’s “elegant in its simplicity” [thank you, Middleman], the result has to be what happens when you drop a dozen eggs on the floor. The floor is intact; the eggs, not so much. Even as an FX extravaganza, Rise of the Cobra is about 50% impressive – and 50% cheesy [we’re talked aged cheddar here, folks]. Seriously, Rise of Cobra also rips off so many better big ticket movies that it even manages to rip off Iron Man and The Matrix simultaneously!

Eclipse readers will remember how I’ve lamented that so many movies I’ve seen over the last year or so have been technically amazing, but lacked focus, story and heart. Well, I’ll take Max Payne, The Punisher: War Zone and any of the other movies that I’ve referred to in that manner, over G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. This is one case where saying that the best parts of a movie are in the trailer is really bad news. Even the chemistry between Wayans and Nichols can’t redeem that plot arc – and that’s only arc that comes within hailing distance of interesting.

As my favorite alien would say, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra “sucks big.” If there’s any justice, this turkey will flop horrendously and put director Stephen Sommers out of our misery.

Final Grade: F