I’m sorry, but I can’t get past the idea that 50 Shades of Grey started off as god awful pornographic Twilight fanfiction: no, really, you morons turned Twilight FANFICTION about Bella and Edward bondage into a worldwide phenomenon. Now because of all of you jag-offs, I’m going to have to live with this never-ending film franchise for the next four – five freaking years.
I walked into this movie expecting to loathe it, but a funny thing happened – in all of its awfulness, I found myself getting sucked into the strange badness that it presents. I guess Christian Grey’s (Jamie Dornan) abs beat me into submission. Every time I think about them any common sense I have goes out the window. Damn my female parts!
Director Sam Taylor-Johnson does an adequate of job of pointing the camera forward. There’s nothing special about her directorial stye, no visual flourishes, no unique viewpoint or take on the material. It’s lit well but is weirdly muted in different shades of grey (heh…). As far as I could tell she doesn’t have a resume to speak of so how she got this job is anyone’s guess. Let’s get it out of the way, this movie is a barely a step above Skinamax.
The sex scenes in this film are tastefully done but ruined by god awful dialogue – which friends tell me were taken directly from the book. The entire film is one big tease. There is plenty of nudity but it walks just up to the line and never crosses it.
Who the hell is this EL James woman? I want to know what the hell was she thinking when she came up with this idea – again crappy Twilight PORN FICTION! But I can’t blame her, I blame whatever idiot editor read it and thought “This will be a great book!” And why hasn’t the folks behind Twilight sued? But then that series sucked as well. Abs…..
What was I saying? Oh, so there’s no plot to speak of here, so no need to get into that. But I don’t understand the subtext. Ok, there is no subtext. The film preaches that in order for a woman to be happy she has to be completely submissive to the man in her life. But as Chrstian says “I may be the Dominant one but you have the real control.” I want to slap author EL James and not at all in a sexual come hither way for giving us this garbage.
Billionaire Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan)is begging Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) to sign a contract so that she will become his sex slave. The entire film is filled with the hokiest dialogue and awkward moments I’ve seen in a long time.
There’s a moment in the film where Christian tells Anastasia that when she looks over the contract she has to tell him she likes and doesn’t like. She looks him in the eyes and says “I don’t know.” He responds with “You mean you’ve never?” And next thing you know in the sack for the deflowering. Abs…..
Can a film directed by a woman and for women be just an misogynistic and degrading as a David Fincher film? One wonders what a billionaire like Christian would see in Anastasia. The woman has NOTHING going on, no hopes or dreams. She’s graduating from College in a few with an English Lit degree and has zero idea what she wants to do with her life. Are you kidding me?
I’m not sure if Dornan and Johnson had chemistry or not but I will say that in spite of itself and the fact that I can probably write a 5,000 word article about why film is terrible and not at all something any SANE woman should be supporting, there is something about it that doesn’t make this truly wretched experience. Abs…..
Final Grade B
Wow. Movie sucks but ABS.. OMG B RATING. That’s pretty pathetic.
Yeah, I thought about this and what if some male reviewer said something like, wanted to hate it but Dakota Johnson – Boobs! Yeah, that wouldn’t be considered completely sexist.
Find a new job lady. For all your complaining about who made this assault on human intelligence that is fsog…it was idiotic people just like you. No plot, bad dialogue, crappy love scenes but sure ill give it an 85 grade. Women like you are the same reason I had to hear la Vida loca for a year….because you know……abs.
Really? B rating for Abs? is this a legit review or are you just taking the piss?
This may be the most pathetic review of any movie I’ve ever read. If a male reviewer gave a B rating for a movie while continuing to say “boobs,” he’d be blasted for it. If Michelle isn’t fired for this, it will be the last time I ever visit Eclipse.
This movie is going to cause a lot of female reviewers to do the critic walk of shame. You are all going to come out of your hormonal haze and realize you wrote a terrible review and for some reason your panties are in your purse.
You suck.
God only knows what the reaction from feminists would have been like if a man had wrote an article like this… hypocrisy is more of a female trait though.
Eek just looked at the rest of your review history. Sharknado 2 a b plus? Lego movie a D? Birdman and interstellar a c? I though you were just sucked in by the beefcake but now I realize you just have no ability to review a film properly.. Dont feel bad though, at least you dont have to blame your hormones anymore, you just have terrible taste.
Way to make yourself look like some silly little girl reviewer. Boobs..