here’s some jokes for you all…
BUTTERCUPS….
>
>Toward the end of the golf course, Steve somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden…POOF!!!
>
>In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She Said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life… As a matter fact, you won’t have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!” THEN POOF…she was gone.
>
>After Steve got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Bob. “Bob, where are you? ”
>
>Bob yells back, “I’m over here, in the pussywillows.”
>
>Steve Yells back……”DON’T SWING BOB!!! For God’s sake, DON’T SWING!!”
>
>A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
>
>”What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
>
>”Type?” inquires the man, “There is more than one type?”
>
>”Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
>”Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”
>
>Relieved, the man asked about the types.
>
>The saleslady replied “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?”
>
>
>Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
>
>The saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.”
>
>Pilot: “Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
>
>A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob”, where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head that she could turn to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
>Over the course of the years, she turned the knob and the effects were wonderful – she remained young looking and vibrant.
>After 15 years, she returned to the surgeon. “All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve turned the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:
>First, I have these big bags under my eyes and the knob just won’t get rid of them.”
>The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
>The woman said, “I guess that explains the goatee
>
>A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
>lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
>horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and
>rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In
>terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
>grip. she tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she
>slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
>seemingly ingnorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
>grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself
>to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup,
>and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head
>is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered
>against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the
>horse.
>Thank God for Heros!!!