It’s been thirty years since a little horror movie changed the genre forever and gave John Carpenter a career. Halloween was something completely different – a story about a killer child who grew up to become the personification of evil, Michael Myers. To celebrate this anniversary, Anchor Bay Entertainment has packaged the three best films in the series along with a documentary on the Halloween phenomenon in a gorgeous display package featuring what they describe as “an exclusive display replica of the Michael Myers mask, which has become THE face of horror for the last three decades [sorry, head not included]! The six-disc set contains three versions of Halloween, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.
Imagine the sound of one hand clapping. Not in the Zen koan way, but in the actual one hand impacting on nothing but air way. This was the sound that accompanied eighty-five of The Love Guru’s ninety-one minutes at the screening I attended – and another four minutes were closing credits.
In a nutshell: Toronto Maple Leafs owner Jane Bullard [Jessica Alba] hires the number two self-help guru in the world, Guru Pitka [Mike Myers] to help her team’s superstar, Darren Roanoke [Romany Malco] get his mojo back after his girlfriend leaves him for the Jacque Grande [Justin Timberlake], goalie of the Leafs’ Stanley Cup opponents, the Los Angeles King.
Myers performance is smarmy and self-indulgent; Alba is her usual wooden self and virtually no is funny. In the course of the film, I laughed six times – two because of actual humor and four because if the sheer awfulness of the attempts at humor. That was four more times than the group of fifteen-year olds [allegedly the film’s targeted audience]. Otherwise, the theater was silent.
Writing, acting, cinematography, directing – all pretty much suck. The only things preventing The Love Guru from being the worst movie I’ve seen in the last few years would be Norbit and Delta Farce. The Love Guru makes The Cat in the Hat look like Shakespeare. You have been warned.
Final Grade: D-