It’s hard to believe that my first movie review in months is this. The sad thing about Twilight: New Moon is that I went in with very low expectations and found the movie to be ok, but here’s the thing – Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is loathsome and not aware how insipid, self involved, narcissistic and whiny she is. When she yells at her vampy boyfriend, with the weird ruby lips Edward (Robert Pattinson) to “take her soul,” I laughed out loud – what soul? The really sad thing is on the one hand she knows she’s broken – but the reason isn’t because she’s shallow and treats everyone around her like garbage – this fact doesn’t even enter her mind. No it’s because the love of her life broke her heart. Yet every male she comes into contact with instantly falls in love with her – the werewolf, Jacob (Taylor Lautner), her human male friend – the long suffering Mike (Michael Welch) and her father Charlie (Billy Burke) all try and help her and she just dismisses them.
This is where I will say that I read book one, or at least tried to. Lord knows I tried and made it up to Chapter 11 before I just couldn’t take it anymore. Author Stephenie Meyer is a horrid writer. The entire book reads like some 11 year old girl writing in a Diary, never mind that Bella is 16 (I think). The depth of her emotional connection to Edward consists of her waxing poetic about how beautiful he is. Every time she sees him, Meyer has to remind the audience Edward is beautiful and then alternates with “why is he mad at me today,” that’s pretty much the entirety of the first book.
Bella never really states why she even likes Edward – beyond the superficial and for the life of me I can’t see what it is about Bella that Edward finds attractive beyond the fact that he can’t “read” her. Who is this girl? What are her hopes, dreams, future plans? Heck, we don’t know anything about Edward beyond he hates being a Vampire and loves going to high school for 100 years. Hey, maybe, just maybe he should think about I don’t, how about hang around a College for awhile.
I mention the book because I will say the two movies so far have been far superior because we don’t have to deal with Bella’s inner monologue and Meyer’s piss poor writing. The movie is relentless in its melodrama, after Edward dumps the bitch, she spirals out of control and goes into deep depression that consists of her sitting in her room for three months and screaming uncontrollably every single night while her poor father dolts on her and indulges her continued psychosis. She breaks out of her psychosis when she realizes she can see Edward when she does incredibly stupid, dangerous things. So she becomes an adrenaline junky. That’s when she asks Jacob to build her a motorcycle – clearly playing Jacob for a sucker.
Here’s the thing, despite my absolute hatred of Bella and Edward I kind of liked the movie. There’s no denying the movie is an absolutely mess with bad CGI, Bad Acting, a dumb story, but I’ll admit I did like most of the other characters. Taylor looked really awkward as he walked, like he wasn’t used to his new oversized body and head. But he eventually grew on me.
I loved the Cullen clan, especially Alice (Ashley Greene) and her few moments with Jacob. The introduction of the Vampire royalty the Volturi, was a bit interesting but horribly acted. Why did Dakota Fanning fight to be in this movie? She’s terrible and is on screen for maybe 4 minutes. It’s hard to believe anyone in this film are professional actors. I’m going to assume her role expands in the next two films. I wish this series focused on the Cullens and gave them something to do beyond just spend hundreds of years going to high school. Poor Charlie stuck with a crazy daughter but still trying to do his best, how can you not like him?
Director Chris Weitz at least makes this installment look like a real, professional movie – not counting the acting. It actually looked like some cinematography was done, but the special effects are still laughable – the werewolf fight scenes were a joke and there’s a moment at the end where he gives away the forgone conclusion that Bella and Edward will live happily ever after. This scene is so laughably bad that my jaw dropped in wonder at the idea that it made it into a major motion picture. Considering how much the first movie made, this one still looks like it was shot using slightly more than the shoestring budget used in the first one.
Even with everything that’s wrong with this film, I still kind of liked it (enough that I want to try and read Eclipse) and there’s no good reason why. I just don’t understand how this crap became popular, that maybe I’m just missing something and I’m desperately trying to understand this dumb phenomena. Then again, I never understood the popularity of The Office, Family Guy, LOTR, Judd Apatow, Friends, Stephen King, etc. so why am I trying so hard now? I’m finally ready to declare my allegiance – I’m on Team Volturi and Team Jared because they wanted to put Edward and Bella out of their misery and make the world a happier place without them in it.
Final Grade D
EM Review By
Michelle Alexandria
Originally Posted 11.21.09
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All of these Twihards make me LOL. Can't somebody post a negative review without getting bombarded by Twihard attacks? It's the lady's OPINION. Everyone has a right to one! And they wonder why normal people can't stand Twilight and its fans…hmmm…. On a side note: if I hear another Twihard cry about how one needs to read the books to understand the movie, I'm going to go on a freaking murderous rampage! It's a MOVIE! It should be able to stand on its own and not simply be an extension of the book. Oh, and Smeyer does write like an 11 year old. Somebody take that woman's thesaurus away!
Jared is Jabob's wolf friend. This review got the names down.
I'm just waiting for the way movie critics will respond to the vampire date rape/OMNOMNOMUTERUS/fall in love with a damned baby trifecta of horribleness in the now inevitable fourth movie. I cannot freaking wait. That's pretty much the moment the entire non-idiot fangirl world realizes how horrible these things are. Especially the OMNOMNOMNOMWOMB part. I seriously might pay to see that one just to see the reactions of the parents.
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