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TELEVISION REVIEW: American Idol Season Eight So Far… Ish.. Michelle’s Take

TELEVISION REVIEW: American Idol Season Eight So Far.... Ish.

TELEVISION REVIEW: American Idol Season Eight So Far.... Ish.

It’s official, being a critic requires you to be a closet masochist or is it sadist? I always get confused. Whatever the correct word is, I apparently love to punish myself by watching crap that I know is, um… Crap, that I really hate, but can’t seem to turn my eyes away from, especially if it’s free and as easy as sitting on my butt and shutting my brain down. I have tremendous will power when it comes to avoiding garbage movies because it requires a LOT of effort to actually go out to a screening or even see a film on opening day. Ok, not a LOT of effort, but it certainly costs money.   But that’s not the case with television, just turn it on, and it’s there in the background while you are doing something else. This is the secret of American Idol’s success. Returning for an 8th season with a brand new fourth judge, Kara DioGuardi who adds absolutely NOTHING to the proceedings. It seems like the Producers hired her as a big F.U. to everyone’s favorite drunk, Paula Abdul.

After 7 seasons and hundreds of thousands of auditions, maybe it’s time for the Producers and fans of American Idol to come to the conclusion, that just maybe, maybe, there really is a very limited pool of talented singers that can be found and Idol has just about reached that nexus. I mean the people that they have put through this season would never have gotten through in previous years.  There was the bikini girl from a few weeks ago, there’s the weird Spanish girl and the goofy guy with the hair this week, then the producers have some weird fetish for 16 year olds – girl or guy. And they always have. If you are between the age of 15 – 17, have some poise and can sing barely ok, you are almost guaranteed a spot.  I think this is the first season that I’ve actually watched past the 3rd episode, generally, I watch the first 2 episodes and then lose interest until they get down to the top 15. It’s hard to get attached to any of these no-talent, no-body, wannabes.  They spend way too much time on the bad singers, doing the lame profiles when you know they are going to end up blowing.  Then after spending an hour watching all of these dreck singers, we find out, oh by the way “20 people got tickets to Hollywood.”   Yes the bad singers are funny, in moderation, and this year the judges aren’t as cruel as they have been in the past.  So if they aren’t going to be cruel, what’s the point of making the audience suffer?   All four judges still come across as those annoying “hipster,” kids who think they are too cool for the room and are the gatekeepers to your entry into the cool kids table.

Again, this is when I say Kara adds nothing to the proceedings, other than Paula has been almost too quiet this year. It’s been primarily the Randy and Simon show. In the last installment Kara tried to show some personality and argue with Simon, but it seemed forced and scripted and there’s been no disagreements at all. There are four judges, so they never explained what would happen if it’s a split decision. Of course that hasn’t happened this season since all four seemed to agree on everything. I have no hope that this year’s Idol will be any good, at least talent wise, but it’s a free train wreck, and while I say I won’t watch again until they get down to the top 15. I am curious to see what exactly happens during Hollywood week.

Television: American Idol – Is it over yet?

Ok, I know, a few weeks ago I gave up on this show and these fun little recaps . But I’m a masochist. I have to watch the showdown of the no-talent Davids, I’ve come around on David Cook. But he comes across as a pompous ass, and I strongly dislike David A. It’s like a fight between Aliens and Predators, no matter who wins – we lose. But at least it’s not a 2 hr extravaganza! So I’ll give this about 20 minutes to hook me, otherwise I’m just going to watch the Blu-ray version of Unbreakable that’s sitting in my PS3. Who is up first – I’m guessing it’s David. Ha. Man, can this show get any worse or cheesier? This opening is making me want to turn this crap off right now. Thank god for Tivo! I wonder if the thought of watching this is what sent my man Kennedy (my favorite Senator) over the edge today? Another thing about Kennedy – he’s NOT FREAKING DEAD YET! Stop reporting like he is!

This season has been so pre-planned and packaged that it’s clear the judges will faun all over David A and stick the knife in David C.’s back, twist it and then watch as his blood opens up the LA hell mouth. David Cook is doing the easiest Karaoke song possible – I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For, hell, I get applause when I do this song at Karaoke bars, and I can’t sing worth a damn. And Cook is HORRIBLE. He’s out of key and his voice sounds as bad as mine (I lost it during Sunday’s Indy screening). I’m fast forwarding to the comments. He’s terrible. So the Judges pre-canned comments should be right on.

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After all these weeks I’ve finally stumbled onto the secret of Idol success. You can suck as much as you want to, forget the lyrics to songs, as long as you close your 90 second tune out with a screechy, long, high scream. That wakes the judges up. Randy loved this crap, who cares what Paula says, Simon loved it. David A is doing another one of my favorite songs – Don’t Let The Sun Go Down on Me. Again he just bugs me. Technically it’s alright, but it’s just “rote,” and he has no passion. Randy loved it and boo hoo, David’s crying. I’m so sick of Simon and his “Round 1 goes to…” crap. How about letting the Audience decide you putz. But he is right. David A was clearly better – even though I forwarded 30 seconds in.

It’s time for Round 2 First it’s Cook’s ditty, didn’t catch the name. Rick Springfield songs were on my Shuffle today (like 5 times!) and the song Cook is singing sounds exactly like a Springfield tune. I think it’s called “Don’t Have Faith.” Would it kill Idol to put the title and artist of the songs these people are butchering on the screen?? It’s interesting seeing a Rocker in an Idol final. They’ve come close in the last few years, but they never made it to the final 2. Didn’t understand Randy’s comments. Simon hated it. I guarantee he’ll love whatever David A does. David A is doing a song called “In This Moment.” It’s boring and I’m going to skip to the fawning. “Ooh David, you’re Hot Man on fire,” “What talent, I just want to snuggle with you,” “Round 2 goes to David.” This is the first time I’ve actually seen David sing with some emotion and, um, well, it’s like, um…Good. Much better than Cook’s track. Judges do fawn, Simon does do his “round 2 bit.” God I hate his aw-shucks, I’m good, let’s cry. It’s irritating. God, I just intensely HATE this kid. A commercial for Narnia is on, and I really want to see that again.

I’m tired of this crappy Rocky theme. It’s time for the last song. David Cook is singing something called The World I know by Collective Soul. Weird choice, not sure if this is original or not. It’s too mellow and not the type of song you want to end a singing competition with. He’s not Prince in Purple Rain and David A isn’t Morris, “Damn he won this competition with a Ballad!” Cook looks like he’s resigned to the idea that he’s going to lose. I hate Paula and her damn standing ovations. Simon agrees with me and thought it was completely wrong choice and he made a retarded suggestion that Cook should have done Billy Jean again. If Cook did that the judges would have skewered him and put his head on a spick. While Simon’s comments are almost always right on point, the motivation behind them totally invalidates anything he says this season.

Amazing, Archie IS repeating a performance and doing Imagine again and he’s awful AGAIN. It’s a boring train wreck. These two are the best American Idol has to offer us? Who cares what the judges say, you know they love them. The Archie thing wouldn’t be so bad if the judges let the audience decide for themselves. But they beat us over the head with the over the moon praise and it started way the hell back during the top 24. He’s an artificial creation who didn’t get to the finals honestly. The judges ignored all of his previous flubs, when they tore into other people for forgetting lyrics, when he had off nights it was always “it’s an off night baby, but you’re still HOT and will go far.” This putz had already won Star Search and other singing competitions. So spare me the fake crying and the Howdy Doody, Eddie Haskell attitude. He cried during ALL THREE Judges rounds. COME ON! I can understand one – maybe, but crying after all THREE performances! With all that said he was miles better than David Cook who phoned it in – which I can’t blame him, he knew the fix was in, so why bother trying?

The first time I ever saw it Taylor Hicks was auditioning and I loved that season, last year was pretty horrible. I have to admit I think this year some interesting talent but the Judges ruined the idea that this was a fair show. I promise you this, I’m done with Idol. I’m going to do Hell’s Kitchen. I like watching Gordon Ramsey go psycho. One of these days, he or one of the students is going to pick up one of those butcher Knives…..

American Idol Butcher Rock Hall of Fame Night

After two weeks of no Idol for me, I’m ready to attempt to give you another rambling report. What the heck? I stop watching for two weeks and my dark horse Brooke White gets booted and Paula let’s it known that, yes, America there is no Santa Claus. Idol is basically fixed. And like lemmings, America is voting almost exactly the way Simon wants them to. I’ve lost almost all interest in Idol. So this could be the last Idol report of this crappy season you’ll get from me. I know many of you are going, thank god! Next season, I think I’d rather give you updates on Hell’s Kitchen. That Gordon Ramsey makes me laugh. Anyway, back to Idol.

David Cook has been on fire lately, but his version of Duran Duran’s Hungry Like a Wolf is horrid.  Once again he gets the rock star lighting, but he’s awful tonight. There’s no emotion or connection to the song. For the first time in weeks, I’m going to fast forward to the end of this train wreck. Of course the judges will love it because it’s part of their pre-packaged scripts. Randy came with it and agrees with me thought it was just Ok. Of course Paula loved it. God this year the judges have the same speech week after week. Simon said it was good and David will be around until next week. More of Simon directing the results.

Syesha is going to do Proud Mary. She’s the one I’d like to see win this. I don’t think she’s particularly good, but it be nice to see the judges not get what they want. She’s got the right attitude for the song. But her arrangement is terrible. She’s more focused on trying to be sexy and like Tina than actually singing the song. It’s awful.  Skipping ahead. Randy liked it a lot. Who cares what Paula says. I’m not sure if I trust Simon’s opinion anymore. But he called it a bad impersonation of Tina Turner and he’s right. I just question his motives for his comments now.

Jason Castro is doing I Shot The Sheriff. Which is an obvious choice for him. His vocal is, as usual, bland and boring as hell. But he does have the it factor. Randy called it a Karoke Bob Marley. And didn’t like it at all. Paula actually didn’t like it. Simon called it utterly atrocious. Said it was like a first round massacre. Randy and Simon were actually angry about the performance.

God I just hate this David A kid, and he’s doing Stand By Me. Once again he’s technically ok, but he just lacks the “It” factor and his performances are devoid of emotion. He’s like a robot. Of course the judges will love it. Don’t even care what they say about him at this point. Does Archie’s dad have some blackmail material on these judges.

David Cook is going to do Baba O’Reilly (?) by The Who for his second number. Never heard of this. It’s good, I think David’s future is going the Lifehouse path of doing power ballads and staying away from “rocking out.” He’s terrible at it. But, hey, wait a second, I know this song. I always thought it was called Teenage Wasteland. Randy liked this one. Paula is humbled to “Watch his Soul.”

Syesha is going to do one of my favorite songs A Change is Going To Come. Her opening is awesome. She’s nailing this. Has the passion and emotion that this song requires. But Idol sucks because they take these classics and then boil them down to 90 seconds which doesn’t give you enough time. But Syesha killed this. What the hell is Randy smoking, he hated it. Simon loved it. And she’s balling like a baby.

Jason is going to try Mr. Tambourine Man for his 2nd selection. He’s awful. Randy looks angry. Simon told him to pack his suitcase. I’m tired of Simon trying to dictate how the audience votes. But even with his obvious shilling, Simon is correct. Jason was awful tonight and was totally exposed. I wish the audience would shock everyone and vote Archie off instead. Archie is now butchering Elvis. Again, technically ok, but totally lacks any kind of passion or any understanding what the song means. Don’t care what the judges say.

Is Idol even worth watching anymore? We all know that the top 10 will all get their paydays and album contracts. So once you get to the top 5 it doesn’t matter who wins anymore.  I’m done and don’t think there will be anymore Idol reports from me. The Summer film season is heating up and these final contestants are just boring as heck. Especially since we all know it’s a forgone conclusion that Archie is going to win this thing.

X-Files: I Want To Believe is the official Title

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Talk about anti-climatic and ho-hum. Chris Carter and company announced the name of the new X-Files Movie – “I Want To Believe.”  This title would be perfect if the focus was on the X-File’s convoluted mytharc, but this is a stand alone monster of the week film so it feels a little off to me. The second big-screen spinoff of the paranormal TV adventure will be called “The X-Files: I Want to Believe,” Chris Carter, the series’ creator and the movie’s director and co-writer, told The Associated Press. Distributor 20th Century Fox signed off on the title Wednesday. The title is a familiar phrase for fans of the series that starred David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson as FBI agents chasing after aliens and supernatural happenings. “I Want to Believe” was the slogan on a poster Duchovny’s UFO-obsessed agent Fox Mulder had hanging in the cluttered basement office where he and Anderson’s Dana Scully worked. “It’s a natural title,” Carter said in a telephone interview Tuesday during a break from editing the film. “It’s a story that involves the difficulties in mediating faith and science. `I Want to Believe.’ It really does suggest Mulder’s struggle with his faith.” “I Want to Believe” comes 10 years after the first film and six years after the finale of the series, whose opening credits for much of its nine-year run featured the catch-phrase “the truth is out there.”   I’m attending Friday night’s New York Comic Con Panel and have been in talks with Fox to get Chris on the Hot Seat, but it’s looking more like it’s going to happen sometime after this weekend’s show.

American Idol and Mariah Carey a match made in Hell

Mariah

Ok it’s about 8:34, I’m going to let me DVR go for another 15 minutes before I start tonight’s train wreck that will be American Idol. It’s Mariah Carey night tonight and one of the truisms of Idol has always been, don’t do Mariah, Whitney or Celine. But tonight Mariah has fallen so low that she’s reduced to plastering on that half smile of hers and praise these people? “Oh, David has an amazing voice, I think he showed a lot of emotion.” Bleck. You’re Mariah Carey, why the heck are you debasing yourself to be on American’s Karaoke? Maybe tonight I’ll finally see what’s going on with the mystery side of her face. Luckily it’s only an hour installment tonight so I should be able to do this in about 30 minutes. Now I can go and play some Super Mario Galaxy, check out the new PS3 Store, watch Keith Olbermann or I can ramble for 15 minutes. What to do, what to do. That Olbermann is so funny…

It’s time for the show. Let’s see how much name dropping Randy will do tonight. I think Mariah is one of his peoples. Ah, they showed a clip of Randy playing with Mariah. He just said he’s looking for these people to be original and show who they are. Hello, McFly, they are doing someone else’s well known songs. Of course they are going to be compared and will fail. I still say it was pretty crappy of them to send someone home last week when the theme was charity and inspirational. But then, I guess that’s just me. Who will the first guinea pig be.

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American Idol – What an Inspiration, bleck…

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Oh god, gag me. In honor of American Idol Gives Back (which I refuse to watch tomorrow/Wed night) it’s Inspirational song night. Tonight’s report was interrupted by another chapter of my favorite Harry Potter fan fiction being posted, so while it’s begging for me to read it, I’m going to slap this report together in the half-a fashion that you’ve come to expect from me. I’m really going to speed through this, because I really want to read the latest chapter of this story. It’s called Backwards With a Purpose if you want to check it out.

First up is Michael Johns, he’s doing a pretty decent version of Dream On. Let’s see if he attempts the note. The poor boy tries it. This is the first performance of his that I kind of liked. Randy and his damn pitch problems. Don’t care what Paula says, so I’ll skip right to Simon.  Simon thought it was good, but he thought Johns tried to impersonate a rock star. I actually agree with both Randy and Simon. It was a decent performance, nothing great.

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American Idol Does Country Night

carly

Hey, it’s another week of America’s favorite Karaoke show.  It’s about 8:30 now, so I’ll give my DVR another 10 minutes before I start my weekly report. But I can tell you it’s Dolly Parton night so, it’ll be a miracle if I’ll make it through tonight’s installment.  But mercifully, it’s only an hour episode, so I should be able to speed through this in about 20 minutes.  While I wait, I’m going to take a Super Mario Galaxy break, I’m stuck on a level that is starting to frustrate me.

Ok, it’s now time to watch the show. First let me say, I just hate these star weeks, there’s something wrong when you have these major stars willing to sell their souls to be on Idol. Remember last year when one of them – I forget who said Sanjaya was a powerhouse? Ish.  So there’s no point in watching Dolly talk about how wonderful everyone is.

First up is my favorite Idol of this year’s crop – Brooke White. I don’t know any Dolly Parton songs, so I’m not even going to try and guess what this is. But as Randy would say Brooke is laying it down. Brooke is definitely the dark horse in this competition. She has a good – not great voice, but she’s been really smart in her song choices. She just has such a generic look and personality.  Randy thought it was ok, who cares what Paula says, and Simon hated it.

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American Idol – Another week of boring Ballads

idolkristy 

Hey, I’m back with another round of Idol Watch – sorry I don’t have a catchy original name for this.  Last week I attended a screening and got home late, so I wasn’t in the mood to stay up until 2am to discuss another round of bad karaoke – especially after I saw that they were going to butcher the Beatles for a 2nd week in a row.  As I write this, we’re about 10 minutes into the show. I have to give it another 40 minutes on my Tivo before I can actually turn it on and start watching. What to do during this down period? I think I’m going to play a little of the new Halo 3 Heroic Maps for an hour.

Ok, I played a little Halo, remembered why I hate that game. But I did get my kill on with the Swords until some annoying kid came on and ruined the match for the rest of us.  Now I’m primed and ready to watch Idol. It’s funny, I hate being in DC because my Idol tickets came through last week for tonight’s taping! So if things were different I would be blogging from the show itself.  I’m waiting for them to announce tonight’s theme.  Ah, it’s "the year they were born."

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American Idol: Top 10 Males Raped my Childhood

American Idol

Ok, I wasn’t going to talk about or watch American Idol this season. I’m basically over it, I started a few seasons ago with Taylor Hicks and stuck with it last year. But this year I bailed on the show after the 2nd episode of the year. Promising to come back to it when they actually get past Hollywood week. So I started watching a few weeks ago. Who the hell are these people?? It’s clear the judges want a set outcome this year, they don’t want another Taylor Hicks or a Fat Black Girl. This year they are stacking the deck with men who look, act, and sound like women and women who all look like they belong in the Aryan Nation.

It’s just surreal watching this train wreck. Everyone is universally bad, but it’s painfully obvious that the judges are more than ever trying to direct the outcome of this year’s show – even more than normal. Their inexplicable praising of Danny Noreiga (or whatever the hell his name is – don’t expect me to spell the names of any of these no name, no talented hacks). He butchered Elvis during 60s week, don’t know what he sang last week, and for 80s week he butchered Tainted Love. In all three week Randulla praised how good he looks and “we know you can sing, just let it go.” Then there’s America’s treasure Simon saying he hated everything about the kid.

After that the other person who I don’t get is this 17 year old David Archuleter. He is AWFUL, yes, he has an ok voice. But it’s all “rote,” there’s no passion or emotion in it. He destroyed Imagine last week and this week he destroyed Just Another Day in Paradise. But again the judges praised him to heavens and according to Simon “He’ll definitely make it to the top 2.”

Luke Menard, the only manly man in the competition opened with Wham’s “Wake Me up before you Go Go,” and again destroyed the song. I’m not going to go into the rest. David Hernandez talked about his giant boogers. Yeah, that’s someone I want to watch after hearing that story. I’ll fast forward over his performance. The only thing that I do like this season is they are allowed to play instruments. Too bad it’s wasted on such an unbelievably bad crop. I’m a child of the 80s, that’s my decade and every one of tonight’s performers destroyed all of the tunes.  And why, week after week are they picking the most boring songs they can possibly find? I would love to see the American Idol song sheet, to see what’s going on.

The only thing Randy knows how to say is “It’s a little pitchy, started off slow, but it came together in the end.” Paula looks and sounds drunk And I thought the public was supposed to be voting? Simon is guaranteeing certain people will go far. Does he know something we don’t? Or does he just assume the public will follow exactly what he says? This season is terrible, but it’s like a car wreck, I can’t turn away.