Sweet November – By Sean O’Connell

“”Sweet November”” is the cinematic equivalent of a Hallmark greeting card. It looks pretty, has some insignificantly sappy lines dispersed throughout it, supports absolutely no plot or characterization, and fades from your memory immediately after you’ve put it down.

In this emotionless tear-stopper, Charlize Theron (who’s been in better) plays esoteric Sara Deever, a free-spirit who trips and falls into the path of far-too-career-driven ad executive Nelson Moss (Keanu Reeves, who’s been in worse). How do we know he’s career-driven? Well, he never puts his cell phone down, his eyes are glued to television commercials that play on eight different screens in his bedroom, and his non-existent social life just collapsed when his fed-up girlfriend walked out the door.The smell of “”success”” must cloak Nelson, as Sara senses it a mile away. She approaches him with an offer: stay with her for one month, and she’ll make him a better person. It’s sort of what she does, though it’s never clarified what occupation she lists on her W-2 tax forms. After verbal hemming and hawing – and Nelson being conveniently fired from his day job – he inexplicably agrees to Sara’s proposition, and, beginning November 1, renounces his former materialistic life for a grungy (read: meaningful) existence in Sara’s San Francisco abode.If you’re believing any of this right now, “”November”” may indeed be the movie for you. But hang on, it gets better. Apparently the salvation of self-serving Nelson just wasn’t considered touching enough, so first-time screenwriter Kurt Voelker adds an element of mystery. At the film’s halfway mark, the convivial and carefree Sara turns testy. Then the bags start forming under her eyes. Finally she starts popping pills. It seems Sara has a secret she’s keeping from Nelson, the man she just met. Can you guess what it is? That’s right, it’s cancer. How ridiculous. It’s a complete reversal for this character, and it’s supposed to happen in a three week span? Who researched this script, Dr. Seuss?””Sweet November”” has absolutely no idea which direction it wants to head once out of the gates. It tries a number of storylines, remarkably hitting each and every cliched element found in the genre it chooses. But then it abandons what might have been interesting sidebars and tries something new, leaving characters like Liam Aiken’s orphan Abner or Greg Germann’s Vince dangling in the wind.Characters respond to situations as if they, too, had no idea where the movie might head. It has the feel of a film written and shot on the fly. Reeves himself never looked so bored with a character. For once in our lives, Keanu, we know exactly how you feel.GRADE: D-THE EXTRASWarner Bros. has included a short but sweet Behind-the-Scenes documentary entitled “”From the Heart”” on the “”Sweet November”” disc. It further explores the characters introduced in the films and gives Reeves and Theron the opportunity to gush how much they loved the characters and loved working together. It’s sickening. The featurette is offered in lieu of a director’s commentary, though, so you can imagine how Pat O’Connor (“”Circle of Friends””) feels about the finished product.There’s not much else here besides the trailer, cast & crew profiles, and interactive menus. The good news is it allows you to pop this disc out of your player shortly after plowing through the feature presentation.GRADE: DOVERALL EXPERIENCEThere’s no reason to own or rent “”Sweet November.”” It’s not good enough to enjoy, and not quite bad enough to ridicule. It’s just painful.For a better pairing of Reeves and Theron, rent “”The Devil’s Advocate.”” It features Reeves chewing scenery with the great Al Pacino, and shows what Theron can look like when she’s really sick … in the head.FINAL GRADE: D-

Updated: January 1, 1970 — 12:33 am