here’s something for everyone

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, Green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: “You want fries with that?” And Man said: “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And Ben and Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God sent heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil then created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man’s health insurance.

God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: “Do I look fat?” And the man told the truth.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn’t help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And Man brought forth his Visaat 21percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod,east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn’t help her, either. Amen

Usefully Useless Trivia

I don’t think we’ve had any of these before and I thought some of you might find them interesting…

Q: Is caffeine illegal anywhere?

A: Caffeine is illegal in at least one country. Burma’s ruling junta has declared caffeine a narcotic. Last Wednesday’s announcement — in the English language New Light of Myanmar newspaper — did not say whether coffee drinkers would be prosecuted under the law or what penalties they’d face. Under Burmese law, the possession of narcotics carries tough penalties — including death.

Q: How old is the game of marbles?

A: A child’s Egyptian tomb from 3000 BC contained the knucklebones of sheep and dogs. Scholars believe the bones were used to play a game similar to the modern game of marbles.

Q: What happens when a body part “falls asleep”?

A: Most people think that when their hand or foot or arm or leg “falls asleep” it’s because circulation has been cut off and no blood is getting to the limb. In fact, the sensation, called neurapraxia, results from the pinching of a nerve between a bone and another hard object. If you leave your limb in a certain position for too long, you’ll find it becomes numb, then tingles painfully when it is “waking up.”

Q: What is the “funny bone”?

A: The “funny bone” is actually the ulnar nerve and not a bone at all. When this particular nerve is hit, the person suffers tingling and sharp pain in the fingers, which can last for an agonizing few minutes. Why do we call it the funny bone? The name comes from the bone that runs from the shoulder to the elbow– the humerus.

Q: What exactly is a hiccup?

A: Hiccups are muscle spasms in the throat and diaphragm. The sound they make is caused by rapid closure of the vocal cords. It is generally believed that these abrupt diaphragmatic contractions do not serve any useful purpose. Hiccups often start for no apparent reason and they usually disappear after a few minutes. Rarely, hiccups can persist for days, weeks, or months.

Q: Why are flamingos pink?

A: Flamingos are pink thanks to their diet, which is high in carotene, a natural food color found in carrots. The birds don’t dine on carrots. They get their carotene from mollusks, crustaceans, and certain kinds of algae. Flamingo babies are born covered with white down, which turns gray at approximately three weeks. The pinkish coloration takes one or two years to develop. The intensity of the pink also varies according to species. Some flamingo species are so light that they appear almost white

Q: What makes a Mexican jumping bean jump?

A: The Mexican jumping bean, the seed of a Mexican shrub, is famous for its quick jumping movements. What causes them? Caterpillars. Butterflies of the species laspey resia saltitans deposit their eggs in the shrub’s flower and after the eggs hatch, the caterpillars burrow into the young seeds of the shrub. Apparently, the seed jumps when the caterpillar grasps the web it has built inside the seed and jerks its body vigorously. This scares away birds and other animals that might attempt to eat the seeds. Jumping beans remain active for several months.

Q: Where did the expression “son of a gun” originate?

A: “Son of a gun” has its origins with sailors. When a ship was in port for an extended period of time, wives and other women were permitted to live on board with the ship’s crew. Occasionally, children would be born on board and a convenient place for the birth to happen was between guns on the gun deck. If the child’s father was unknown, the child was entered in the ship’s log as “son of a gun.”

Q: How can it be “too cold to snow”?

A: On those REALLY icy days, you might hear somebody say that it’s “too cold to snow.” And it can be. In order to snow, the atmosphere must contain moisture. VERY cold air (about -10 degrees Fahrenheit or -20 degrees Celsius) tends to contain little moisture, making snowfall extremely unlikely.

Q: Is there a difference between freezing rain and sleet?

A: Technically, there IS a difference. Freezing rain is rain that freezes when it hits the ground, creating a dangerous coating of ice on road surfaces and sidewalks. It occurs when temperatures above the ground are warm enough for rain to form, but surface temperatures are below 32 degrees Fahrenheit (below freezing). Sleet is rain that turns to ice pellets BEFORE hitting the ground. Sleet usually bounces when it hits a surface and does not stick to objects. However, it can accumulate like snow. Practically speaking, of course, there is no difference. Both cause roads and walkways to be slippery and hazardous.

Q: Do astronauts shrink in space?

A: Well, sort of. When astronauts remain weightless in space for prolonged periods, their bones lose a measurable amount of weight and thickness. So weightlessness actually causes them to shrink.

More Dirty Dancing – The Reunion Chapter 38 – Epilogue

Chapter 38

Frannie watched as her father walked out from backstage and crooked his index finger at Baby with a smile, all the while walking toward her. She watched as her parents executed a flawless version of the last dance at Kellerman’s Mountain Lodge in 1963. The oooh’s and ahhh’s never failed to appear every time this scene was shown. This was the first time, however, that she experienced this particular scene in person.

And she was enjoying it until Johnny left Baby and jumped off the stage. It was a shorter stage, lower to the ground than the original ballroom stage, but she still couldn’t help herself.

“Pop,� she cried, standing up.

Johnny glanced her way once and when he did, she could see a huge bright smile on his face. He loved this.

He turned to Baby as if he were seeking her approval. He waited until she smiled and answered his silence by nodding her head. He turned and looked for his eldest daughter, motioning for her to come join him. She shook her head no, but Johnny wasn’t taking that for an answer. Baby, meanwhile, had gotten her out on stage. Johnny reached up for her, took her into his arms and brought her down to the floor.

“There you go,� he said, putting her down. Frannie looked at him a little concerned.

“Go on,� he said, waving her away, “you know just what to do.�

She nodded and moved to the back of the room to join the other dancers. Johnny had combined the old and new dancers together to form the dances troupe of his dreams.

Johnny got everyone going, exactly as he done thirty-six years ago, doing that Cuban rhythm soul dance that they had worked hard on all summer, the one Neil had told him not to do. He led them down the aisle and each of them had executed the dance steps with precision and grace. Johnny now stopped in the middle of the aisle while the dancers parted around him, heading for the stage. That’s where they stopped.

Johnny moved forward a bit and looked at Baby with a silent question. He seemed to be asking, “Are you ready?� and Baby nodded enthusiastically.

That’s when Johnny brought his arms above his head. Baby stepped back onto the stage and ran forward, taking a flying leap across the room, arms and legs outstretched, heading straight for those two hands reaching toward the ceiling.

Everyone held their breath, including Frannie.

Her mother made a perfect landing, right into those hands. Johnny held her up and Baby balanced perfectly. He held her for a second or two before releasing her and pulling her into his arms. They both laughed and hugged each other, a job well done. They had a moment alone before all the dancers crowded around, congratulating them on a job well done.

Frannie sighed with relief as the rest of the dancers crowded around them. She was just as happy the last scene in the show was over. The dance and the lift came off perfectly. She couldn’t do a better job as if she had done it herself.

Frannie was about to walk away when she heard her father call her name. She looked over and the sea of people had parted. Johnny and Baby held their outstretched hands toward her and she ran into them, feeling as if she were a little girl again.

Epilogue

Frannie looked around at the empty stage. She couldn’t believe the show that she had worked on all year was finally over. Pay Per View was gone, having wrapped up their equipment earlier that morning.

She looked around and picked up her bags. She, Kevin and Cody were leaving on the next train back to New York City, where another job awaited her, that of a housewife and mother. She hadn’t taken the Hollywood job, it wasn’t meant to be. She would help Kevin for a while and mind Cody. She needed a break and here was her perfect opportunity. She’ll get something else. Her father had been right all along.

“Frannie?� She looked up, and saw him, his eyes sparkling and grinning from ear to ear. Speak of the devil.

“You were wonderful out there, my little girl,� Johnny said, taking her in his arms and squeezed her tight.

“So were you and Mom,� Frannie whispered, releasing him. “ The two of you were sensational.�

Johnny grinned. “I have never felt better, Frannie.“

“And you looked the part,� Frannie agreed, smiling.

“So the three of you are going back to New York?� Johnny asked.

Frannie nodded her head. “Of course, Daddy. You know I quit the California job. I’ll be helping Kevin for a while until I can find something on my own.�

“And you will, Frannie,� Johnny whispered, “believe me, you will. Don’t rush it.�

Frannie smiled and nodded her head.

“When are you coming back?�

Johnny shook his head. “I don’t know Frannie. We still have some renovating to finish, and we have to build a new ballroom. We’ll be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas, count on it.�

They both smiled and hugged each other. .

Kevin walked out holding little Cody’s hand. “Goodbye, Johnny,� he said holding his arm out in the gesture of a handshake. “See you soon,� he picked Cody up turned around to go.

“Leaving so fast?� another voice called. Baby walked out of the shadows and reached for her.
They hugged each other until they couldn’t anymore.

“I love you, Frannie,� Baby whispered. “You know this. You will be living in our building. Don’t be a stranger.� She hugged Kevin next, then Cody.

“I won’t, Mommy,� she said, “don’t you worry.�

She turned around to leave when she remembered something. Frannie turned toward her parents again.

“Don’t forget my car,” she called out and the two of them nodded and waved. It was actually their car that she had brought up, not hers. But they always returned it to her.

And the three of them parted. It had been a wonderful reunion, Frannie wrote in her diary. She heard a scream, followed by laughter. When she looked up, she noticed Kevin and Cody playing in the seat opposite her. Then she turned to look out the train window. It had been a wonderful reunion, one she would not forget anytime soon.

alas, babylon

a while back zack mentioned a book called alas babylon by pat frank…

well, i am in the middle of reading it (slow) but it is an interesting book and very realistic and scary…

but it is hard to get used to reading about orlando (in the late 50’s) with nothing there but orange groves…

nevertheless, good choice…i recommend it

i loved this one..

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn’t often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

fifteen things to remember

Fifteen Things to Remember
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it’s full potential,that word would be “meetings.”
3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of it’s glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens …. somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your friends love you anyway.

one more…

There are a couple of winners here…..
Cool New Books for Kids . . .
You Are Different and That’s Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad’s New Wife Robert
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Popup Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

the rules of women

1. The FEMALE always makes the rules.

2. The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification…by the FEMALE.

3. No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.

4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change
some or all of them.

5. The FEMALE is never wrong.

6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of
something the MALE did or said wrong.

7. The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.

8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.

9. The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the
FEMALE.

10. The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or
upset.

12. The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she
wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to “mind read” at all times.

14. The MALE who doesn’t abide by THE RULES; can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and
is a wimp!

15. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

16. The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.

17. The MALE must be ready at ALL times

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