things only woman understand

!0 thinhgs that ONLY Woman understand

10- Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9- The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.

8- Crying can be fun.

7- FAT CLOTHES.

6- A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5- Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a “peak life experience”.

4- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3- A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2- Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

And the #1 thing that only women understand:

(big drum roll)

1- OTHER WOMEN!

Top 40 Foreign Signs

Top 40 Funny Foreign Signs

40. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
39. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
38. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
37. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
36. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
35. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service.
34. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
33. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
32. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
31. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
30. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.
29. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
28. A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
27. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
26. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
25. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
24. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
23. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
22. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
21. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
20. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
19. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.
18. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such things, please do not read notis.
17. In a Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
16. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
15. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.
14. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
13. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
12. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
11. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
10. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
9. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
8. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
7. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
6. From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
5. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
3. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.
2. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
1. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Unusual Newspaper Classifieds

Top 20 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

20. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

19. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

18. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

17. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

16. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

15. Great Dames for sale.

14. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

13. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

12. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

11. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

10. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

9. Man, honest. Will take anything.

8. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

7. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating

5. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

4. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

3. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

2. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

1. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!

Funny Signs

You may have already seen these…

Top 24 Funniest Signs Seen in the USA

24. In a Los Angeles dance hall: “Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”
23. In a Florida maternity ward: “No children allowed.”
22. In a New York medical building: “Mental Health Prevention Center”
21. On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
20. On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
19. At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
18. On a shopping mall marquee: “Archery Tournament — Ears pierced”
17. Outside a country shop: “We buy junk and sell antiques.”
16. In the window of an Oregon store: “Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”
15. In a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
14. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”
13. On a Tennessee highway: “When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”
12. In a New York drugstore: “We dispense with accuracy.”
11. In the offices of a loan company: “Ask about our plans for owning your home.”
10. On a radiator repair garage: “Best place to take a leak.”
9. At a Santa Fe gas station: “We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”
8. In a New York restaurant: “Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”
7. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. — Sisters of Mercy”
6. In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
5. A parking sign in front of a Boston meditation center: “Visualize Being Towed.”
4. On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”
3. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
2. In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
1. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: “38 years on the same spot.”

ReRun Show

Anybody see it Thursday? I’m ashamed to say I laughed a couple of times. Mr. Drummond’s inappropriate tickling of Arnold, Mrs. Garrett’s goofiness, the size of the props getting bigger when they were handed to Arnold. The rest of the “Strokes” gags were crap.

In the “Partridge” segment: The two small “slow” children, the crew member spraying rain on the window, Laurie’s “Partridge” shot, all funny. Keith’s obsession with the mirror didn’t work.

I read that they’re not allowed to touch Seinfeld, and a few other shows.

I Am Sam

It was alright, not as touching as I thought it’d be. I waited and waited to cry my eyes out, but didn’t shed one tear.
Michelle Pfeiffer must have sold her soul to the devil, she looks really good.
Dakota Fanning is an amazing actress, and such a cutie. Where did she and Haley Joel Osment come from anyway?
And Sean Penn is wonderful as always. I loved the answering machine scenes.

The featurette was one of the better ones. 45 minutes long, but I was interested all the way through.

The Crossroads of Love

Author’s Note: Sorry guys this one’s short but imp. please do tell me if you like where I am taking this.Thanks for the great reviews! I shall post on this thread from now on ok.

Chapter Twelve

The time had come Gertrude and the witch, after a lengthy quarrel over Gertrude’s fiasco, finally made it to the house of the human woman who was to have a baby boy. The birth had all gone well and when the midwife had finally left the new mother and baby asleep, the witch transformed herself to look like the midwife.

She entered the house after the real midwife left and being that it was dark she had a great excuse to tell the woman’s husband not to bother his family till next morning. She thereby entered pretending she forgot something and switched the baby with the changeling. The mother would never know the difference. She placed the blaket around him and with magic made an illusion. He looked like a blanket and that was all. The new parents never noticed their child was being stolen from under their noses.

When outside the witch transformed to herself again laughing at her own slyness. Gertrude took the baby from her arms,”Give me the child, I must have him!”

“First aren’t you forgetting something, my dear?”

Gertrude in her dispair almost forgot,”Oh yes,” and grabbed the amulet placing it around his neck. The baby turned instantly to a spitting image of Jareth!”

His hair became a pale blonde with feathery wisps and his eyes were ice cold blue with one pupil larger than the other. The witch smiled again while Gertrude looked in dismay astounded at the transformation. The blue blanket would make him powerful while the amulet would always keep him looking like his supposed father. They ran to the castle and Gertrude did her little act even screamed for Jareth to hear something.

Jareth paced up and down awaiting his child’s birth.
Finally a goblin nurse came out,”Sire, your had a baby boy, congratulations!”

Jareth screamed out with joy,”A boy?!?It’s a boy!” He jumped up and down and was so excited! “Can, can I see the baby?”

“Not yet sire better let them rest for the night.”

“Ofcourse, ofcourse let’s not bother the new baby and mother.”

Jareth was too happy he knew that tomorrow would be the best day of his new life as a father. He would have a banquet! A great banquet in honor of his son.

He called on Mecha the head maid,” Prepare for a banquet, we are going to have a banquet in 1 week early in the morn! Make all the preparations neccessary, don’t spare anything! I shall introduce my son then. I want all the Underground to meet the heir of my throne!”

He made out the best announcements and invitations he could dream of and send them out in floating crystals to all the kingdoms of the Underground. He nearly danced!

“Now I have to finish the preparations for this great banquet, hmm what shall I name him? I most ponder on this decision. It should be a great name worth of a kind, the king that one he shall become!”

In Gertrude’s Room……….

Gertrude smiled at her devilish ways,”He fell for it! He fell for it, that fool! Now I shall be the most famous queen of the Underground! With him thinking he is a new father he will have party after party and banquet after banquet. We shall have masquerade balls and…”

The witch still being in the bedroom chambers became annoyed grabbing Gertrude by the arm. With a tight grip she screamed,”Shut up you little sniveling pig. He’ll hear you. Now remember that this baby was given to you NOT for glory but for a price. I want all rights to him. He shall be my pupil, you must bring him to me every week so I can teach him the dark magics I know, then one day he shall rise up and conquer all of the Underground with me as his guide and you as his mother! That day you stupid ninny will you celebrate for real. This is only the beginning of my revenge, I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE ON ALL OF THOSE WHO THOUGHT I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEIR SONS! FOR ALL OF THOSE WHO BANISHED ME TO THE EERIE WOODS!”

Gertrude only grunted at the old lady extingushing her little celebration. The old lady carried the little baby,”And you my dear sweet are the key to my vengeance!” The baby just gurgled and began looking for food.

“Now here the baby needs to eat.”

Gertrude in all her joy forgot that she was to raise this baby. How was she to breast feed the baby when she had no milk. Besides she did not want to have to deal with this baby, it would become annoying after a while. “I have nothing to feed him with.”

The witch smirked,”Go fetch a nursing fae. There has to be atleast one fae around the Underground who could nurse the baby. Tell her she shall be highly rewarded. And remember to keep this all quiet or suffer the consequences.”

The goblin servants went in search of a nursing fae trying to keep quiet not letting anyone see them leave the castle especially NOT Jareth.

Gertrude made a face of disgust as the witch handed her the baby,”Here this little bottle with milk should do the trick until your maids find a nursing fae. Now feed him and place him in his crib. I shall leave now but tomorrow I return. Good evening.” The witch disappeared into thin air.

Gertrude did not like the idea of having to take care of this infant but she had no choice, she fed him and placed him to sleep. “Thanks to you little baby now Jareth won’t leave me and he shall forgot all about his Sarah once and for all!!!!!

more research

taking a little time out from the truth about everything to find out a few more things…kristen brought up a very good point about francis’ father and i would like to see if they mention him anywhere…i will let you guys know when i have the info…

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