[b]FOR SALE:[/b]
TURKEY – Partially eaten. Only eighth days old. Drumsticks still intact. $23.00
USED TOMBSTONE – Perfect for someone named Homer Hendel Bergen Heinzel. One only.
USED TOLIET PAPER – Wide selection of brands and designs. Call for details and prices.
FULL SIZE MATTRESS – Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell. $40.00
DENTURES – One pair. Hardly used. Only two teeth missing. $100.00
ZAP – Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
SHEER STOCKINGS – Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
[b]ATTENTION[/b]
HOUSEWIVES IN WARREN COUNTY OR THE STATE OF OHIO – If your husband or varmint you live with has bragged about getting a FREE Christmas tree – It may be STOLEN!
DOGS – If you are chased by a dog when walking, jogging, or bicycling, stop, turn toward the dog, point, and firmly say, “NO!” or “Go Home!” Repeat as needed.
This is effective even for dogs who do not speak English.
TIPS TO AVOID ALLIGATOR ATTACKS: Don’t swim in waters inhabited by large alligators.
PARIS – If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
[b]WANTED:[/b]
Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before. Oakview, Calif.
HAVE VIAGRA – Need woman. Any women between 18 and 80. Boise, ID.