James Patterson, why have you forsaken us? After crafting one of the finest “”paperback”” heroes of our time in Dr. Alex Cross – an urban soldier who personifies Washington D.C.’s gritty streets, its beating heart – and penning a series of gripping police detective novels surrounding him, you allow Hollywood to bastardize your words, to twist your ideas into pulp?
For various reason, casting being one of them, “”Kiss the Girls”” was bad. But “”AlongCame a Spider”” is downright insulting to the assumed intelligence of a Patterson reader,though not of a paying theater-goer, it seems.In his second go-around as the character, the miscast Morgan Freeman (Cross is not this old, people!!) plays D.C. detective Alex Cross, on the psychological mend after losing a partner in a blown sting operation, (quite possibly the worst special effects sequence of this or any other year, and yes, I did sit though “”The Mummy Returns””). Cross isn’t out of work long before a criminal mastermind, Gary Soneji (Michael Wincott), draws into his self-made web of deceit. Soneji pulls off what he considers to be the crime of the century, the abduction of a Senator’s daughter named Megan Rose (Mika Boorem), and he invites Cross to match wits with him in what promises to be an elaborate game of cat-and-mouse with the girl’s life on the line.But the game never kick starts. Cross, in an act of pity, teams with lovely Jezzie Flannigan (Monica Potter), the Secret Service agent assigned to protect the girl, and the two begin the methodical – yet dull – procedure of cracking the case. Cross finds clues others can’t, implying he’s a genius, but he overlooks obvious errors that would derail this production until the end, when all can be revealed. By then, the screenplay has thrown a fair amountof (pardon the pun double-crosses at us, each one more illogical then the next.Save for the character names and the most basic plot elements, “”Spider”” fails to follow Patterson’s exquisite novel, instead relying on tired formulas and played-out twists. Freeman brings his usual professionalism to the role, and I’ve even grown to accept his age as part of the cinematic Cross (though the character in the book will always remain younger, leaner and meaner). Next to him, Potter can’t even carry Cross’ shoulder holster. And Wincott brings a sedated evil and inflated confidence that makes Soneji an exceptional villain. When Cross, at one point, reverts to standard procedures for a hostage situation, Soneji appears hurt, insulted at the thought that Cross would attempt such a pedestrian approach. Audience members should feel the same way about this film.Grade: DTHE EXTRAS“”Spider”” presented in glorious widescreen, does convert well to the digital format. The sound isn’t ear-blowing, but the levels are clean and clear. You’ll appreciate the ability to watch the intro sequence over and over again, to marvel at the laughably poor quality of the effect.Aside from the feature, Paramount has included a “”Behind The Scenes”” featurette that’s padded with clips from the film and brief interviews with the cast and Patterson himself. Lord, how I wish this puppy were interactive. I have one or two questions for Patterson I’d like to ask, before the studios butcher another one of his tremendous Alex Cross books.Final Grade: D+